In The Dock: Cock rock

(If you're wondering what this is all about, click here.)

This week's subject: Cock rock

The case for the prosecution (James)

Let me first clarify what I mean when I am discussing cock rock. I mean that form of heavy metal – often called glam metal – which is generally a little softer and poppier. Typically, these bands are fond of lyrical content that suggests:

a) sexual prowess
b) a love of rock ’n’ roll
c) that they like to party (especially if it involves plenty of sex and rock ’n’ roll)

Examples might include: Motley Crue, Ratt, Poison and more recently The Darkness.

I am tempted in this argument to revisit elements of the previous hip-hop debate. While the misogyny is less forthright and ideological in cock rock, it is implicit to it.

It does represent the culmination of the masculinisation of rock and roll. Women are reduced to play-things, objects, groupies. While this reduction is less malevolent than in hip-hop – there is next to no discussion of pimping or prostitution for example – women are represented poorly.

However, I am aware of several contradictions here. It might mystify me, but quite often this music is exceptionally popular amongst women. While I might want to jump on some feminist high-horse and say that the music is somehow debasing them, I find that I cannot do it. Ultimately, I find myself saying that if someone finds some enjoyment in it, who am I to start throwing buckets of water around? (Although hang-on, didn’t I see that on some rock video do that one time…?)

Consequently, I feel compelled to put the feminist argument to one side, despite its undoubted relevance. Fortunately, however, there is a back-up argument that might be yet more robust – it has lost all sense of reality: it has become cabaret.

The fact that cock rock was perfectly sent up in 1984 in ‘This is Spinal Tap’ sums up the redundancy of the style. The fact that it is being revisited with insufficient irony 20 years later by bands such as The Darkness only adds to the horror. I am, however, old enough to have witnessed such resurgences first hand too many times – chiefly, the glam rock revival of the late 80s.

Every single trope used by these "artists" was perfected thirty years ago – the Led Zeppelins, Sabbaths, Purples etc developed each turn. The riffs, attitudes, movements, set designs, T-shirts, hair styles – everything was set in place from the very late sixties onwards. Musically the bands are stagnant, and personally they are stagnant.

I can accept that music – especially rock music – must be partially incestuous, and that very little is exclusively new. Cock rockers, however, have become satisfied to repeat the shows of so long ago without adding anything perceptably new to the mix. What little has changed between 1978 and 2006 has been superficial and curiously uninnovative – hairstyles, rock videos, and production techniques are the only notable developments. Even the groupies look the same.

I would not mind so much if these bands were more honest about it. If The Darkness owned up to simply being a Queen (or whomever) tribute band, but too many of them seem to take themselves just too darned seriously.

Now is this necessarily a reason to damn every subsequent cock rocker? Perhaps not, after all, a mid-adolescent spell in awe of cock rockers is a useful way to gain an introduction to the rock music of the ‘70s (which can often lead onto a greater appreciation of music as a whole). Furthermore, the closest a mid-adolescent boy is likely to get to sex is via the lyrical content of come such band and I think churlish to deny them the opportunity. However, I think that an ASBO should be in order as a minimum sentence for anyone who perpetuates this musical backwater. Preferably with some community service thrown in – something nasty… like popping zits.

The case for the defence (Phill)

I would like to begin by misquoting Voltaire: "If cock rock did not exist, it would be necessary for man to invent it."

Because you see - It has been scientifically proven that men need to rock!

They have always needed to rock, just like that have always needed to hunt, fight and eat pies.

Cock rock fills an important gap in music. It's simple no-frills rock played by macho men dressed as women, featuring cheap sexual innuendo,bad hair and spandex.

What's not to like about that?

Unlike goth music which we discussed a few weeks ago, fans of cock rock know and will admit that it's a bit ridiculous - but of course, the cartoon element of it is the whole point!

At some point your life you've danced to 'Jump' by Van Halen or at least raised a smile if you are the non-dancing type. If you deny this, then your pants are officially on fire right now.

It's a guilty pleasure, like eating Pot Noodles or staying in on a Saturday night specifically to watch 'Casualty' (we've all done it). You just don't admit it to your friends and family.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't sit at home in spandex every night listening to the back catalogue of The Scorpions (I only do this on alternate Tuesdays). However, it's good to know that in times of need I can reach for the Motley Crue album and cheer myself up with Tommy Lee and the boys.

Cock rock was the final act of alpha male music before the more rebellious and intelligent rock music came along. That's right, I'm saying that cock rock is stupid - but sometimes, stupid music is good.

Yes, I'm sure under careful analysis the lyrics of Radiohead are more intelligent than those of Def Leppard - but which makes you smile. Which makes you laugh and more importantly, which one is less likely to leave you contemplating suicide?

Let's compare:

Def Leppard - 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'

"Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on / Livin' like a lover with a radar phone / Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp / Demolition woman, can I be your man? // Hey! / C'mon, take a bottle, shake it up / Break the bubble, break it up // Pour some sugar on me/ Ooh, in the name of love / Pour some sugar on me / C'mon fire me up / Pour your sugar on me / Oh, I can't get enough".

Radiohead - 'Creep'

"When you were here before / Couldn't look you in the eye / You're just like an angel / Your skin makes me cry / You float like a feather / In a beautiful world / And I wish I was special / You're so fucking special // But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo / What the hell am I doing here? / I don't belong here".

Personally I'd prefer that young impressionable teenagers listened to a comedy rock song filled with cheap sexual innuendo, rather than a hymn to loneliness and alienation.

For all men of a certain age, cock rock was an important rite of passage. Hearing your first Def Leppard song was like your first kiss, your first drink or your mum discovering that porn mag under your bed. It was essential!

Getting older, cock rock can be appreciated (mostly) in a more ironic way. Cock rock is great because it is so easy to laugh at. It is important to be able to laugh at men (with women's hair) being idiots and taking themselves too seriously. We must remember this.
Other important points that need to be made:

* If cock rock didn't exist then the greatest music film of all time 'This Is Spinal Tap' would not have been made.

* Without cock rock there would be less mullets in music. Despite what you may think, this would be a bad thing.

* Not all music should be earnest and serious. There is a place in music for songs about the size of your penis.

* Don't deny it - The Darkness opening Glastonbury in 2004 was a brilliant moment.

WE ALL NEED TO ROCK and the less complicated the chord structure and the more outrageous the outfits, the better it is to get the message across.

* * * * *

Thanks to James and Phill. Now it's over to you. Guilty or innocent - YOU decide. The comments box is open and awaiting your comments - you've got until Friday to make up your mind...